never good enough

parents and their expectations. a challenge faced by every single student in the world unless u have really cant-be-bothered parents who dont give a damn about their children's results or u're an orphan. Whatever it is, parents and their expectations. It's always not good enough. And it's not like I didnt do well. I have fucking 5Bs and what do I get in return?

Mum: I'm proud of your results (in a rather reluctant tone)

and after that...

Me: Dad, XX also has 5Bs and last year she didn't do too well
Dad: See... Everyone's improving. You're the only stagnant one.

Well, thanks alot parents. You really made it seem like I didnt do well enough for you all to be proud of me. I bloody got 2nd class upper, a feat that isn't simple fyi. People's lives and their futures have been ruined because they haven't gotten 2nd class upper and now you're implying that I haven't done well enough???!! i mean WTF... people are getting into polys and ITE and your son bloody got all As in his majors exams. Maybe I shouldnt have gotten that bloody best student award for first year then maybe you wouldn't have such GREAT expectation for ur son. but whatever la.. it doesn't matter anymore because now, I feel crap. I feel like i've let you guys down. I feel like we moved to foreign land for nothing. Thanks alot.. the whole year of slogging came to this and you just made me feel like it wasn't good enough.

Or maybe it's just me and my paranoia and my expectations for myself. but whatever it is, it was a mistake getting the best student award. should never have gotten it. hate my life, hate my world, hate expectations, hate myself for me.

rebirth

I've had two blogs before this. Deleted both of them before they even hit 100 posts so I really wonder how long this one will last. A sudden urge hit me to create another blog. Maybe it's the fact that I have a long holiday ahead of me which bound to be filled with lots of reflection and soul-searching coupled with some lonely feelings with everyone busy with their own lives. It's funny how people can get close throughout the whole school term, only to drift apart when the holidays come crashing through. Isn't the holidays a time to hang out and have fun together like we never had during the school term? Seems like it's the contrary.

I'm going to keep this blog a secret. Until I decide to divulge this massive secret to the honourable selected few. I hate people reading into my inner thoughts and emotions and yet there's this 'rebellious' streak in me wanting to get out to the whole world and shout "here's what i'm all about!" But I've learnt from experience that it isn't always the smartest thing to do because people can't be trusted. Well, most people can't be.. or maybe they can be, just not as much as I'd like them to be. Or maybe it's just me and my paranoia. The mind can play tricks on you whenever you feel vulnerable. I do feel vulnerable and uneasy letting people in.

Wow, I've really managed to make this blog an emo one. I admit, I never blog unless it's something emo and miserable. Hopefully I don't have to blog for a long time to come but for now, it seems like it's gonna be a long holiday ahead of me filled with me, myself and I, alone, thinking about what could have been and what should have been.